Day 1

      I've always had a problem speaking my mind in person so im gonna do it on here! I've been through so much heart ache in the past two year's it's unbearable I'm not so sure about what im gonna do anymore! I fell for this guy, that I know my family would never except! He was everything I wanted in a guy. Funny, cute, smart, outgoing,trust worthy, he had a lot going for him. We would talk everyday and all night just about anything and, I loved the thought of him being there. I felt like he was gonna be the one to stay around and he would always be there for me. I fell for his laugh, the way he held me, the way he would look at me and play with my hair. little did I know, I wasn't the only one. Not only was it just another girl it was 3 other girls. I felt so low and degraded I didn't know what to do. I was confused,Lost like I couldn't move forward. I was stuck on this big hump and, it was not about to let me move. All the trust I had in him and, he let me down! It takes me a long time to get close to anyone because I'm a pusher I like to push people away because I don't wanna be hurt. The second I do put my trust into someone they let me down, so it's like I take 1 step forward and, three steps back.I'm right back to square 1. LOST! Feeling like I don't have a place. When I'm with him I feel like I've found my place. I don't know what he thinks or how he feels but every time I tell him it's always the same answer.....I'm not ready for a relationship, why are you ready for such a big commitment you're young. I can't help how I feel. I might be young but I know what Love is. After that we stop talking for a few day's or a day and, one of us always comes back. I don't want that anymore I wanna be told everyday how much someone cares about me. How beautiful they think I am. How they can't live without me. I don't wanna be the only one sending 10 page messages about how I feel. It always keeps me holding on wondering if there is still a chance. I'm gonna give a 100% when it comes to something I Love. there is something about the chase.Last night was one of them rough night's where I get on face book and, see all the girls he talks to all the pictures he likes. I'm not even acknowledged on there it's like I don't even exist. He doesn't want anyone to know about me it's like I'm his dirty little secret something he want's to keep in the dark. He never want's to go anywhere in public with me. Were either at my house or at his house we never go anywhere. I deserve more than that. The biggest thing that hurt's me the most...We were laying in my bed one night and, he fell asleep so I grabbed his phone and, I was going through it. (What I don't know wont hurt me) I seen something I would have never ever imagined. I could feel my heart drop in my stomach do a back flip fall and, then shatter. I got really hot a sweaty , I felt like I was gonna vomit. He was texting another girl, He was telling her how he would work three job's just too take care of her how he wanted her and, how he loved her. I just wanted to blow my brains out right there. I could feel myself dying a little bit on the inside. He never has told me something like that. After all I have given up for him he goes after the one girl that would never even give him the time of day. I should have known though they went to prom together. Did I mention she has a boyfriend now. after all the effort he put in to her she is with someone else. Ha, Imagine that right? While I'm still over here confused because he's telling me things are gonna be different. Deep down inside I still feel dead because I know he still loves her. You can't just stop caring or you never did  in the first place. I have no trust in him now what so ever. Not trust as in telling him, what has been going on with me, But trust as in I can't trust him around any other girl because only god knows what he will do. That's a scary feeling. Then I think to myself is all this really worth it? Do I need him ? No. I don't need him but I love him and, that's all that matters right? Sometimes I think that's not even good enough anymore. I've been in hysterics crying my eye's out feeling like it's the end of the world because it hurt's so bad. When I do get over this, If I ever get over this I don't want to ever go through something this bad ever again. I can't give up all hope.......

Signed, Confused and frustrated